


My Heart Is An Idiot (And The Rest Of Me Is Even Worse)

by Ladytalon



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Embarrassment, F/M, First Dates, Humor, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5728399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zed travels to Elpis for his first date with Tannis where he's taken so far out of his comfort zone, he might just need a map to find it again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Heart Is An Idiot (And The Rest Of Me Is Even Worse)

Pandora looks strangely beautiful now that he's not there. Zed rests his hands on the railing and gazes down at the planet of his birth, feeling as though he'll float up if he pushes hard enough.

Of course this makes no sense because he's fully aware that Concordia has generators that supply a gravitational field as well as plentiful oxygen; he's already been through the mandatory safety course and has every intention of following the recommended precaution of buying an Oz kit. How much that recommendation has to do with actual _safety_ instead of being a thinly veiled money grab is still something Zed hasn't decided on yet, but he figures that it's an item that might come in handy. Since he's here and breaking his self-imposed ban on off-world travel, he might as well look around some.

Zed spends several minutes admiring Pandora because from this perspective, one would never know the whole planet is practically dedicated to murdering its inhabitants. He finally pushes away from the rail, still half-expecting to float out into orbit, but his boots stay firmly connected to the metal beneath them. He still has to enter Concordia through Customs - apparently there's been some procedural changes since Jack died - so he heads up the steps and glances over at the dumpster-divers who are scrounging for something usable. One of them actually has a fistful of credits, which makes Zed shake his head in disbelief; why is everyone always finding money in the trash? It's the damnedest thing. Who's going around throwing it away or just leaving it in lockboxes? He's still wondering about the time someone was shoving perfectly good ammo in the mailboxes around Fyrestone when he still lived there. People could be weird as hell, he thinks to himself as he takes the stairs two at a time.

He's purposefully trying to avoid thinking of his upcoming first date with Tannis, and is meeting with varied degrees of success. One minute Zed's able to concentrate on the old Dahl posters that've been plastered all over the walls for years, judging by the state of them, and the next he's reminded that Dahl is the reason Patricia Tannis came to Pandora. If not for them, she wouldn't have gotten under his skin like some sort of parasite. A green-eyed, long-legged, sexy-as- _hell_ parasite that he can barely go five minutes a day not thinking about. Zed glares at the next recruitment poster he comes across, because how dare they, and walks faster into the Customs area.

A bored looking young woman checks his ID against a retinal scan and half-asses a speech about what he's meant to do in case the oxygen generator fails (either activate his Oz kit or kiss his ass goodbye), and a warning about discharging weapons in the city. Zed 'signs' a digital form saying that he's heard the speech, attended the safety seminar, and promises to behave himself during the duration of his stay. She directs him down the stairs into the decontamination area, which turns out to be the side entrance to Nina's.

The big woman is glaring at some paperwork and doesn't even look up when he comes through the door. "Step into decontamination chamber," she orders brusquely, interrupting him when he starts to say hello. "Do not move until process complete."

Zed shrugs and does as instructed, stepping up into the chamber and waiting patiently as the doors cycle closed. The antiseptic mist that fills the confined space makes him want to sneeze but he knows she'll have to reset the machine if he does, so pinches his nostrils in an effort to relieve the astringent-based itch and tries to wait it out. Unfortunately the doors don't reopen even after the cycle ends, and Nina's still going over her papers so she doesn't notice - the itching is worse than ever and Zed just knows he's about to sneeze. "Uh, hello? Nina?" he calls, but she doesn't hear him so he's forced to knock on the doors... something he knows she hates, because she's always telling him how she longs to harm the people who do so, but Zed really does need out of there.

Nina's head snaps up and she gives him the most evil glare he's seen since the time he'd argued with Moxxi and gotten so mad he called her 'Little Miss Hodunk.' "Nurse Nina _very_ clear about not moving," she growls, then recognizes him. Her expression shifts and Zed is immediately hauled into a bone-crushing hug as soon as the doors cycle back open. "Look who has come for hello!"

"Hey there, Nina," Zed wheezes, feeling his boots leave the floor as a result of her exuberance. "How's it?"

She gives him one final squeeze during which he could swear his internal organs shift into new positions, then releases him. "Heh, chamber always broken - is fixed, then breaks same day! Nina pleased to see big handsome doctor coming for visit; is good to have colleague to talk with, eh?" He's sure she's just pandering to his ego since she's actually taller than he is. Nina claps him on the shoulder, gesturing towards a set of chairs that have been arranged just underneath a thick chain that's been bolted to the ceiling with a _hook_ dangling from the end. Zed gives it a wide berth and sits down, rubbing his nose again.

"It's real good to finally meet ya; never thought I'd wind up on Elpis, that's for sure..."

Nina suddenly reaches across to grasp the collar of his shirt and if he'd thought her glare evil the _first_ time he'd seen it, Zed's abruptly glad he visited the restroom before he'd come through Customs. "Nurse Nina has already claimed Elpis _and_ Helios - if you are thinking to make territory bigger, Nina will make sure you not leave alive," she threatens. Zed's too astonished to reply and Nina takes it as a sign of guilt, because she gives him a brain-rattling shake. "You not seem like stupid man but despite friendship, Nina will-"

Zed recovers enough to attempt to pull away. "Friggin' hell, Nina! I ain't here to poach - you know me better'n that!" He's angry and a little hurt that she'd think him capable of such a thing, but then again... they've only ever talked via ECHO. What does she really know of his character? If he were in her place, well, he'd probably think the same thing. "Listen, I really ain't here for that. Don't really wanna be here at all but there's this girl..."

He's released as suddenly as he was grabbed, and Zed falls back in his chair. Nina scoots her own chair up closer and looks immediately thrilled at this news. "You are here for mystery girl, eh? Is big relief - Nina not want to kill such handsome boy." She pats his cheek with the same hand she'd nearly murdered him with earlier. "What is girl's name? You must share information in case she here before - what if making sex with this girl leave you with disease?" She clucks her tongue at him and eyeballs his crotch, making Zed want to cross his legs in self-defense. He's forgotten how plain spoken Nina is and the force of her personality is one to be reckoned with... there're a lot of nuances that just don't come through an ECHO communicator.

Zed wonders at the absurdly low level of doctor-patient privilege going on here, and he's sure that Tannis would never pass along any sort of crotch-rot, but... "Patricia Tannis. Used to be a scientific advisor for Dahl."

Nina frowns thoughtfully and gets up to walk behind the desk, typing out an inquiry at her computer. "Ah, yes! Nina remember this girl - so clean that Nina cannot believe own equipment." Zed flushes in embarrassment, wishing he hadn't given her name even as he's relieved Tannis isn't a carrier for anything. 

"I shouldn't've said nothin,'" he says guiltily.

"Is good to know sometimes," Nina tells him frankly, then comes to sit back down. "She is perfect girl for boy like you - you make beautiful babies together, then bring babies to show Nina," she says, sighing wistfully. "Nina _love_ babies."

This notion is more alarming than the prospect of being caught outside the shield bubble with a malfunctioning Oz kit, but Zed supposes that Nina means well enough. "I'll, uh, I'll keep that in mind. Any babies show up, we'll bring 'em straight to you."

"Zed must do that," Nina says heartily. "Nina want ask about new Anshin needles - are not even full, and Nina pay _extra_ for safe delivery!"

Now _this_ is a much safer subject, and one he'd been wondering about himself. "Now you mention it, I did notice that! They seem to be takin' a while longer to get here, too - I'm thinkin' that new supplier's been skimmin' but I never did get an answer when I asked about it,” he says. "I heard somethin' about the shipments bein' given a whole new route." Nina scowls and vows to get to the bottom of it, then they discuss that new virus that seems to be coming their way via Eunomia. 

Zed is surprised when, in the middle of their discussion, a man wearing some sort of strange leather mask comes directly up to them - and instead of interrupting, he climbs up on an empty chair. "This Nurse Nina's Timber," his friend announces. He can only stare as the man - _Timber?_ \- gives him a friendly greeting before lifting his arms up and Nina connects the metal bracelets around his wrists to the hook on the ceiling. "Nina tell you of him before," she says, chuckling.

"Oh, uh... hey there," Zed says politely while Nina kicks the chair out from under the other man so that he's just hanging there by his wrists. This has gone beyond weird, but that's no reason to forget his manners. "I'm Zed."

"I'd shake your hand but I'm a bit tied up at th' moment," Timber tells him - Zed could swear he actually sounds amused but with that mask, who knows? "Timber Logwood. Great t'meet ya, Zed. Any relation to the doctor from Pandora?"

"Yeah, that'd be me."

They make awkward small talk for a few minutes (the awkwardness being solely on Zed's part because the guy's just _hanging from the ceiling_ ), then Zed makes his excuses. Nina recommends that he take a bunk in the transient quarters, which pretty much cements his decision not to give into Tannis' obvious plans for him. He promises to stop back by before he goes back to Pandora, and weathers another embrace that has him seriously wondering if his ribs have been broken.

Nina does have a really nice sign though, he thinks as he looks up at it admiringly. Maybe he should think about updating his own to something a bit more fancy... Zed is still thinking about it as he walks along, but of course he runs into another old Dahl sign. Why are they still _up_ everywhere? Zed pauses beside a bench with a person busily talking to thin air, because he's caught sight of Moxxi's Up Over bar. He takes a moment to note that Pandora's most infamous entrepreneur didn't have enough room to add any overtly sexual imagery onto her sign and apparently had to make do with a pair of huge pink neon lips. It's an improvement on the animated leg Moxxi has on the sign of her location in Sanctuary, so Zed figures that it's entirely possible that she'll give this one a miss while he's here.

Zed wanders over to make absolutely certain that Moxxi's not in residence, hanging by the entrance to give his ears time to adjust to the loud music before going up the steps to have a look around. He's not sure why Tannis has chosen this particular location for their date, because any conversation would have to be conducted in either shouts, writing, or mime - there are two DJs playing the same song over and over by the dance floor, and Zed can feel a headache beginning just from being there less than five minutes. He takes one last look at the strange portraits of Marcus Kincaid that are hanging everywhere and heads back out a side entrance so that he can sit down and rub his temples.

There's a little more than an hour left until Zed's supposed to meet Tannis, so he decides to walk around some more. Scooter had been by to see him in his T-Bone Junction clinic after a wrench had slipped, and the talkative mechanic had mentioned forming a partnership with Janey Springs. Zed knows she deals in salvage, which means that she might have some parts he could use for that med vendor out in the Headlands that's always out of service. He's not _too_ familiar with the woman but he does know Athena, so anyone determined enough to woo the Gladiator is someone he'd like to meet.

Zed walks into Springs' Emporium O' Stuff to find her there talking to someone he knows quite well. "'ello, it's Doctor Zed," Pickle exclaims, holding out a fist in lieu of the standard handshake - his association with Tina has taught Zed exactly what he's expected to do next, so he automatically lifts his own hand to bump his knuckles against the boy's grimy paw.

"Hey there, kid. Wanna introduce us?" Zed prompts gently, glancing up at a bemused-looking Janey Springs.

"Figure Janey 'ere knows who _you_ are, guv - Tina sent 'round an ECHO a while back; just like one o' them vids on the ECHOnet. You ain't one half fit geezer, ey?"

Zed had actually managed to forget about the incident entirely due to his anxiety of his upcoming date, but he feels his face redden at the memory of it. "Not sure what most of that means, kid, but let's all just pretend we got no idea what you're talkin' about." He gives Pickle a glare, and the boy swallows nervously.

"Right. Springs, this is Doctor Zed - Doc, here's Springs who ain't never seen what you... I mean, here's Springs and I'd better scarper." Pickle takes off, leaving the two adults to look at each other thoughtfully.

"Nice t'meet ya. Call me Springs or just Janey - ain't the type to mind either way," Janey says with a friendly smile that immediately puts Zed at ease. "Don't mind that little blighter."

Zed takes the hand she offers. "Zed. Heard you're comin' down as Scooter's partner?"

She shrugs, looking pleased that he knows of her. "Could be a good thing, yeah? Lots to do, no kraggons, and no need of an Oz kit."

"Speakin' of Oz kits..." Zed wins her continued regard by asking if she has any for sale, and their burgeoning friendship is cemented as they discuss the problems with the med vendor he'd actually come in about. She offers to stop by to have a look at it, he offers to waive any comparable medical treatment, and they swap ECHO frequency IDs and pointedly avoid discussing a certain video before it's time for him to head back to the Up Over.

Tannis is just walking across from the secondary Fast Travel station - the one that you apparently get clearance to use only after an inaugural trip through Customs - when he comes out, and she stops dead upon seeing him. For a second, Zed is convinced that she's about to turn around and flee but she visibly conquers the urge. He moves towards her slowly as she resumes walking, and they meet at the top of the steps. "Uh. Hey," he says, feeling like an idiot because he probably should've brought her something. Like flowers, or a travel-sized bottle of slag...except where would he get flowers from?

"I see that you have managed to keep your shirt on," she says in lieu of a basic greeting.

"Well, it wasn't easy but I made out okay," Zed returns sarcastically, but she doesn't pick up on it and simply nods in understanding. "Um, you... ready for this?"

"To which _this_ are you referring?" Tannis asks, eyeing him. "Is that a euphemism to your male-"

"I meant dinner," he nearly shouts, not wanting her to ever finish that sentence. "Kinda loud in there, though." Zed can't imagine her actually going inside the bar, let alone wanting to eat there, but he supposes that there are plenty of things he doesn't really know about her. Despite the fact that she's the one who actually set the date up, it doesn't look like she's done anything at all to get ready for it. She's still wearing those goggles pushed up on her forehead, and she didn't change her clothes - there's even a smudge of grease on the bridge of her nose.

It's a marked contrast to his own preparations but given that she's known for spontaneous nosebleeds when faced with human interaction, Zed supposes that he should be grateful that she even showed up. "I despise music," she tells him, abruptly continuing on to the bar so that Zed's forced to trail after her uncertainly. What does that even mean? Is it some sort of code for _not_ wanting to eat there? Is it a hint for him to take her somewhere else?

It turns out to mean that she really _does_ despise it, because she walks right up to the two helmeted DJs and unplugs their equipment. When they protest, she renders one of the turntables permanently unusable by dumping a vial of slag directly into the circuitry - Zed thinks that it's a good thing he hadn't brought her any slag because she has her own supply. He moves close to her in case things get violent, and it looks like something like that will definitely happen, but then she tells them a few things that make both of the men suddenly eager to take a break. "The hell was that?" he demands, watching them retreat to safety.

Tannis turns to him and gazes up at him innocently. "I simply reminded them that evidence exists to implicate them as Hyperion sympathizers."

"You coulda just _asked_ 'em to leave for a while."

He becomes the recipient of a pitying stare. "I forget how low your IQ really is compared to mine."

Zed squints at her, trying to remember exactly why he'd ever wanted to date her in the first place. "Why're you always so damned rude? You come in my clinic wantin' sex from me and now it's insult after insult - well, I don't like it! You shouldn't speak to people like that," he says, aggrieved. "You want somethin' from someone, you'd better get some dang _tact_ 'fore you open your mouth and ruin everything!"

Tannis actually opens her mouth in a round 'O' as she looks back at him. "I see that I've made you angry," she says in what has to be the understatement of the week. "My self-help literature doesn't have much content regarding romantic entanglements."

"Sure don't look like it," Zed responds, looking down at her. "You wanna go sit down, or are you still tryin' to run me off with those polished manners of yours?"

She squints at him. "Sarcasm."

Zed can't help it; he starts laughing at the look on her face. "C'mon, which table you want?" She's still staring at him, so he takes the decision out of her hands and picks the booth furthest from the front entrance.

Tannis trails after him and, instead of sitting on the other side of the table, scoots in beside him. "Don't be silly; I hardly know you," she says when he asks if she'd rather sit across from him. This is a bit rich coming from someone who'd suggested a 'mating ritual' just four hours prior, but he'll let it slide. They're closer to each other than they've ever been before and Zed doesn't _really_ want her to move, but he's uncomfortably aware of how warm she is and how good she smells. This short conversation is capped by Tannis placing her hand on his thigh, making Zed nearly jump out of his own skin.

"What the hell?!?"

She bites down on her lower lip when he pushes her hand away. "You are angry again."

"Well, _no_... I mean...I ain't ready for _that_. Yet," Zed stammers. What is _wrong_ with him?

Tannis leans closer, examining him. "The dilation of your pupils and increased heart rate gives evidence to the contrary, Doctor Blanco." She lowers her gaze to his lap and Zed swears he'll get up and run off if she says a single word about his hard-on. "I must admit to being curious about your insistence upon having a _date_ before sexual intercourse." 

He breathes easier when she leans back. "Guess I'm just funny like that."

"Why?" she asks.

"Why are _you_ the way you are?" Zed counters, not expecting any kind of real answer, but she takes the question at face value and tells him about something called Asperger's Syndrome. He makes a mental note to actually look it up and make sure she's not trying to excuse her behavior, because one of his brothers tried something remarkably similar once and he'll be damned if he falls for it a second time. Zed's not _that_ familiar with her, after all. "So...you just don't know how to beat around the bush, is that it?" he asks, feeling stupid again but trying to gain a better understanding. "I mean, all the ways people usually don't say somethin' straight out 'cause we can tell it could cause offense?"

She gives him a _look_ and Zed can just tell she's about to say something rude about his IQ again. "That is a very...primitive...way to put it," she says, making it sound like she's addressing an amoeba. "Fortunately, I have more than enough psychoses for you to actually relate to."

Zed isn't sure what _that_ is supposed to mean, but he decides to ignore the derogatory implications of this latest statement. All this time, he's thought she was just being annoying and rude on purpose...it makes him feel bad that Tannis couldn't really _help_ it. "Guess all that don't make being on Pandora very easy on you."

Her eyes soften as she looks back at him. "Not especially, no."

He wants to ask her more questions about her mental issues because he really _is_ curious, but he also doesn't want to upset her because it actually seems as if they're getting along. The sole waiter comes up to take their order and Zed isn't that surprised to find that all the Up Over stocks is alcohol and pizza, so he chooses the plainest option. Tannis goes for a slice of pizza with every topping known to man, but then rethinks her decision as soon as the waiter disappears. "I really do dislike anyone watching me eat," she frets, glancing towards the exit.

"I promise not to look - how's that?" Zed offers.

"That will be fine," Tannis decides after thinking it over. "I shall try to trust your word on this matter."

Zed frowns. "I don't go back on my promises."

Tannis gives another long look and he stares right back at her. She has the cutest spray of freckles high up on her cheeks, along with some dirt. She’s just plain cute, period. He lifts a hand to wipe the smudge off of her face before he really has time to think about what he's doing, and Tannis' breath hisses through her teeth in surprise.

"Oh. Uh, you had some...yeah," Zed snatches his hand back. "There was dirt."

She blinks at him slowly. "Dirt."

"Definitely some dirt," he confirms, starting to feel a bit nervous at the way she's looking at him, like he's something good to eat. She's probably just thinking about her pizza, Zed tells himself. Nothing to be worried about.

Tannis sways closer to him and despite the fact she kind of looks like she's been Hodunk wrestling out in the Dust, she really does smell nice. "Doctor Blanco," she says, tilting her chin up. "You do not strike me as a man who is afraid of a little dirt. Kiss me immediately."

"You ain't supposed to just order me around about it," Zed can't help but complain.

Her eyes widen slightly. "How else am I supposed to let you know what I want?"

Zed scratches at the side of his neck, feeling slightly embarrassed at having to explain it. "Well, uh, you were doin' a good job of it before. You could just do... _that_."

"Wonderful!" Tannis says happily, then frowns at him. "What was I doing?"

He clears his throat and looks up at the ceiling, which looks suspiciously clean compared to the rest of the bar. "This is one of the times that readin' body language comes in real handy," he says. "See, you were... I mean, if I tell you and you try it, it ain't...genuine. D'ya see what I'm gettin' at, here?"

She looks up at him with those beautiful green eyes. "No."

Oh, Lord. If there's one thing he's not prepared to deal with, it's this - telling the person he's interested in exactly what turns him on. Not that she's asking him how he likes it in bed, thank goodness, but something about this seems just as intimate and he can't quite put his finger on _why_ it does. He knows exactly how odd it is that a medical doctor could be so embarrassed to discuss sexual preferences, but it's just the way he's always been...once he’s totally comfortable it doesn’t matter so much but from the looks of things Zed can tell that if he _does_ get into bed with Tannis, he'll have to move beyond his embarrassment or nothing beyond hand-holding is ever going to get done. 

Maybe if he simply pretends this isn't that personal. It really _isn't_ , Zed is fully aware of this fact, but habit is a hard thing to break. "It's...not just bein' aware of heart rate or pupil dilation," he tries. "Maybe...wait, no...no, that ain't gonna work. Um. Okay; I knew you wouldn't really mind a kiss because you were...well, you were gettin' real _slow_. Leanin' in and all."

"Interesting," Tannis says thoughtfully. "I don't think I've ever really thought about my body's reaction to desire, before."

_Desire_. Zed tugs at the collar of his shirt, feeling like he's about to suffocate right there. "I mean, you can't just suddenly go all slow-mo on someone and expect the result to be the _same_ ," he adds. "It's kinda hot in here, ain’t it?"

She looks him over so thoroughly, he feels like he's being digitized into the Catch-a-Ride system. "Is this enough of a date? I find myself growing impatient to be fully nude with you." Tannis puts her hand back on his thigh and moves closer. He feels like he just might die when she moves her hand enough so that her knuckles brush against his erection. "Oh," she says. " _Well_. It seems as though I am not the only one who is impatient."

What is with this woman? One minute she's having nosebleeds all over a random woman for saying hello to her in the street and the next, she's feeling him up like the world might end if she doesn't get a handful. "Could you, I dunno, maybe _not_ do that?" Zed asks politely, trying to figure out a way to make her knock it off that doesn't involve grabbing her wrist. The last thing Zed needs is to startle her into clamping down on a very important part of him - the trouble is, that part of him is paying far too much attention to her right now. "I don't do that on the first date," he says desperately.

Tannis removes her hand from his inner thigh, looking genuinely concerned for his mental well-being. "Whyever not? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard you say... and I have heard you say some extremely-"

"I just don't, that's all," Zed interrupts. This is a complete lie, of course, because there have been plenty of times he hasn't even bothered to pay for dinner. Or even exchange names, but that's another matter entirely and he was drunk at the time anyway. Zed's never had a single uncharitable word to say about casual sex. He simply knows that if he wants her _this_ much, he'd rather make sure the physical attraction she feels for him is bolstered by something a little more substantial. That way, she'll want more instead of simply satisfying her curiosity and going about her business. Thankfully their food arrives, and he has a perfectly valid excuse to turn away from her.

Zed keeps his eyes on his plate, the prohibition against looking at her suddenly making him wonder if _she’s_ looking at _him_. Well, at least he stuck to plain cheese pizza – the biggest mess he could possibly make would be if he were to dump the slice onto the front of his shirt. There's a flyer on the table advertising someone named DJ Boom and Rang, and closer inspection of the picture shows that they're the duo that Tannis had blackmailed into leaving. "Hey, isn't this-"

"Don't look at me," she yells.

"I wasn't gonna! Here," Zed says, sliding the flyer over to her. "You should probably let 'em back in here, or Moxxi'll come after you."

Tannis gives an inelegant snort and replies that she isn't afraid of _Moxxi_ , but falls silent when Zed points out that Scooter will probably be the one to show up - the poor guy just seems to have that effect on the ladies. He's a little weird, and a whole lot of ugly, but he's a good kid. Zed only gets another snort when he gently points this out. "Be that as it may, that fact does _not_ outweigh the overwhelming creepiness."

"Fair enough." They resume their dinner and she starts inching slowly closer, which he doesn't pick up on until Tannis has her thigh pressed right up against his. "Hey, now."

"Have you always been this prudish?" she demands.

"I guess you just bring out the best in me."

Tannis mutters something uncomplimentary about what his _worst_ could possibly be, then slides right out of the booth and stalks off. Zed looks after her in startled silence, wondering if he's blown the whole thing, but then he realizes that she's left her goggles and ECHO recorder on the table - surely she'll be back for them once she realizes that they're missing. He takes the opportunity to cram the rest of his pizza into his mouth and chew as fast as he can, swallowing not a moment too soon. Tannis comes back in as he's wiping his mouth with a napkin, and demands that he turn the other way.

He doesn't do it, because this is the very first time he's ever seen her without those goggles pushed high on her forehead. She's prettier than ever, and color rises to her cheeks as Zed tells her so. Tannis gazes at him intently as she sits back down. "I would like a kiss, please," she whispers, and he's powerless to resist against such good manners.

"Since you asked so nicely," Zed murmurs as he ducks his head for the requested kiss. Despite the fact that he could probably give a thorough review of what Moxxi's 'Anything and Everything' pizza tastes like, the kiss itself is arousing enough to make him want another. And another. He's moving to go for seconds when the sound of thumping techno music makes him jerk upright and look towards the DJ booth, where Boom and Rang are glaring at them...looks like they fixed that turntable. Not that anyone could actually _tell_ they’re glaring since they have those helmets on, but Zed can certainly imagine it. "So that's where you went."

Tannis sighs loudly. "The mere idea of Scooter 'visiting' me makes me so ill that my dislike of music will need to be overlooked."

"Why don't you like music?" he asks curiously. "Your food's gonna get cold if you don't eat it."

She gives him a long, rambling explanation about how music is a waste of time and also about some bad experiences she's had involving it. This puts him mind of his brother Ned, and Ned's intense dislike of popcorn, which borders on hatred. "He doesn't like _popcorn_? I consider that to be a cry for attention, as well as for therapy," she says, taking a bite of her pizza right in front of him.

Zed isn't sure that therapy could ever fix what ails Ned, but he appreciates the thought. "You ever go for therapy? I mean, for your whatsits? If that ain't too personal."

"DAHL provided me with several therapists, but it is only now that I see I hadn't taken full advantage of the situation," Tannis says, still eating and not insisting that he stop looking at her. "You never appreciate what is there until it's there no longer."

"Yeah, that's true enough. You got any siblings, or was it just you?" He tells her a few stories about growing up with Ned, nearly mentioning Ted before catching himself in time, but she doesn't seem to notice. Zed winds up regretting mentioning it altogether because she immediately latches onto the fact that he and Ned are identical and, just like every other prospective partner he's ever had, wants to know if absolutely _everything_ is the same. The woman seems like she's positively _powered_ by hormones; how can she ever get anything done? "When I say identical, I mean _identical_ ," Zed says peevishly.

Tannis gives him another of her appraising glances. "Fascinating."

The waiter comes back to collect his plate and slides another beer in front of him, a classic Moxxi tactic - charge for refills that aren't asked for, because most people will simply drink whatever's put in front of them. Zed thinks about refusing it, but decides that he'll probably need the alcohol. "This'll do - go ahead and run the bill," he says before the man can pretend not to hear him, and takes a drink.

His date leans in, and he can already tell that whatever she's about to say is going to be a whopper, so Zed braces for impact. "I have never engaged in three-way sexual intercourse before - do you suppose your twin would be interested?" is what comes out of her mouth next.

Zed is nowhere near prepared for something like _this_ , so he sucks in a startled breath. Unfortunately this indrawn breath is so sharp that some of the liquid he hasn't swallowed yet gets drawn up into his nose when his body decides that he should cough instead. He claps a hand over his nose and mouth as he prays for death because holy _hell_ does that sting. When he finishes rocking back and forth trying not to compromise what little dignity he has left, Zed wipes at his watering eyes using the hem of his shirt and pats his nose gingerly. "We need to get you one of those voicebox filters like Mister Torgue's got - it'd just censor whatever the hell you blurt out without thinkin,'" he tells her.

Those green, green eyes are as wide as can be, gazing at him without a hint of guile. It would be so much _easier_ if she were simply teasing him. "I find it hard to believe that I am the first to suggest a threesome."

She certainly isn't, but he doesn't tell her that. Zed also doesn't tell her that all _three_ of them have shared the occasional willing partner... while it had been fun, he prefers something a bit more monogamous. "Woman, you must be all kinds of horny to bring up all this stuff! I probably got a pill for that back at the clinic," he sighs. "Never been so damned embarrassed in all my days."

"Perhaps you _are_ simply too prudish," Tannis points out. "It doesn't stand to reason that a _doctor_ could be so easily shocked by sexual matters."

"I don't got a problem with _sexual matters_ when someone else is the one havin' those matters," he says heatedly. "That's like me coming up to you and askin' what kind of panties you have on, then bein' all surprised when you say it ain't my business!"

Tannis squints at him. "I do not see how that relates to your sexual pietism." 

" _It was an example_."

"A very poor one. If you wish to view my undergarments, I would be glad to show you."

"Fine," Zed says, feeling so frustrated that he doesn't know how to get out the hole he's just dug for himself. "Let's see 'em, then."

She leans back and, before he knows it, has actually unzipped her pants in response to his flippant comment. His mouth goes dry upon seeing the plain, not-necessarily-sexy gray fabric, and he tears his eyes away with difficulty. "Well?" she demands.

Zed downs the rest of his beer so that he doesn't have to answer right away, because there doesn't seem to be any blood going to his brain at the moment. "They're...they're nice," he manages, clearing his throat a few times before he can speak.

"They are serviceable at best," Tannis - no, _Patricia_ \- says. Zed is of the firm belief that once you've been offered a good peek at someone's underwear, you'd damn well better be on a first name basis with them. "I actually have a few that are quite nice; the red lace pair is very striking."

"That's good to know," he says faintly. "Look, you're killing me here. Could you...talk about somethin' else? How about that Eridian stuff? How's that whole thing going?"

Patricia is off and running, pushing her plate away so that she can slap a pad of paper (where had she been _hiding_ the thing all this time?) down on the table. She opens it and shows him impressively detailed drawings of the latest artifacts she's found, explaining how she'd unearthed them while Zed's brain slowly begins working again. He asks her a few questions to prove that he's paying attention, though he suspects that she doesn't really care if he is or not. After the bill gets paid Zed starts ushering her towards a side exit, and they stop to look at a strange sculpture done by a group called the People's Liberation Army. It's a waste of perfectly good weaponry, in Zed's opinion, but to each their own.

He stops to look at one of Nina's vendors, and Patricia's comments about the PLA could have welded the guns together better trail off. "You were trying to distract me," she realizes. "Each time I attempt to discover why you are such a-"

"I ain't a prude, so quit callin' me one," Zed warns. "Good manners _count_ , remember?"

"Perhaps an explanation is in order, because evasion is certainly not working as well for you as you've hoped." Patricia looks around and spots a bench right across from one of the access doors leading out to Triton Flats. "I think we should sit down and discuss this."

He doesn't, but it looks like he's been outmaneuvered. Zed clears his throat and sits down next to her, trying to figure out how to explain this in a way she'll accept and keep him from feeling like an ass. It's probably too damned late for that, he thinks ruefully. That whole 'running off to become a priest' thing has never seemed so inviting. Still, he probably should just lay it all out for her because how else is she going to pick up on it? She's already told him about that problem she has with nonverbal signals, but it's so new to him that he just keeps _forgetting_ about it. "Well, I... what'd you wanna know, again?"

"Prude," she prompts helpfully, which makes him scowl at her.

"I ain't... look, that stuff is just _private_ , okay? Has a lot to do with how familiar I am with you - and I'm not - and even more to do with, y'know, _trust_. You with me so far?" Zed asks, hoping his face isn't as red as he thinks it is. "For me, I guess it just takes a while to get comfortable with somebody new. I'm not about to tell you straight out the damned gate that I like wearin' your shoes and a Psycho's mask on Tuesday nights while you and your friends are playin' cards next door."

Patricia looks fascinated. "Really! My shoes?"

"It was a friggin' _example_ ," Zed shouts. 

"That is a relief, because my shoes are _much_ too small for you."

"Look, all I'm sayin' is that almost nobody's gonna tell you what _really_ charges their battery until there's enough trust there - okay? It ain't bein' a _prude_. I got nothin' against sex, or against you for wanting to have it... but when you want it with _me_ , that's a little different. I know you want into my pants and all, which is fine and I'm real flattered, but I like you as more than just a one-time tumble," he says finally, looking across the way at the pile of boxes in the corner so that he doesn't have to look at her face.

Patricia is quiet for a minute, then she gasps in realization and claps her hands to each side of his face. "You are saying that you would like to indulge in multiple sexual acts with me!" she says triumphantly, making him look at her. "That... _is_ what you are saying?"

Zed sighs. "Yeah, that's what I'm saying." It sounds terrible and about as romantic as a day trip to Sawtooth Cauldron, but that _is_ what it boils down to.

She practically tackles him as he's trying to tell her that he wants to take it slow and if he'd thought their first kiss had been nice, this one makes him forget all about it. Patricia climbs on top of him and her hands are everywhere at once; it's like wrestling a Thresher wearing goggles. "Zed," she breathes into his ear, and once again his blood supply abruptly deserts every extremity above his waist. He's only ever imagined her saying his name like that while...helping...himself. Patricia wriggles against his erection, and Zed can't help but hold her there while he grinds against her like his life depends on it. "Zed, I believe that...that we- _oooooh_...!"

He closes his teeth on the exposed column of her neck, sucking hard enough to leave a mark that will temporarily brand Patricia as his. "Wha...?"

"Someone could walk by," she sighs at him.

Zed declines to point out that she was the one who had started it, and manages to rein in his rampaging hormones enough to begin pulling away. She's right, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. "'Kay, just gimme a...a minute. Or ten. Or an entire friggin' _year_ ," he groans, willing his erection to subside yet _again_. If only he were in private, he could just take care of it - _why_ hadn't he done that before their date? He staggers over to the corner by the dumpster so that he can compose himself and Patricia follows him under the assumption that he wants her to.

She's not exactly wrong because as soon as she touches him, Zed can't stop himself from sealing his mouth over hers, lifting her in his arms and guiding her legs around his waist. Patricia makes a small noise of delight at the fact that he's holding her up so easily, and she combs her fingers through his hair as they kiss. "This is very nice," she murmurs as they break for air and Zed resumes nipping at her throat. "I would like to see your penis; somehow I doubt that it is as large as I am hoping."

Zed pauses, and draws back to look at her. "Your dirty talk could sure use some work."

"Really?" Patricia asks curiously. "Which part?"

"Uh... all of it?" Desire suitably thwarted, Zed eases her back to the ground. Well, he'd wanted to wait anyway. "Listen, this has been...uh, _fun_ , but-"

"But you no longer wish to make love to me," she says, a flash of disappointed hurt showing in her eyes before she looks away. "I understand. This has happened before."

Patricia starts to leave, but Zed catches her arm. "Whoa, now - I didn't say nothin' of the kind!"

"But you..." she tilts her head back to look up at him, and he kisses her again.

"I'm in a room with a whole load of other people," he explains, drawing his thumb over the freckles on her cheekbones. "I can't cancel now or I'll get charged double. Wasn't plannin' on any of this, anyways." Zed puts his hands on her shoulders and squeezes gently. "That somethin' you can forgive me for?"

Patricia bites her lip, swaying closer to place her hands on his chest. "I suppose."

Zed lets out a relieved breath and smiles down at her. He doesn't want their first time to be a rushed quickie in a back alley - it has to be just right. He'll make it perfect, Zed promises himself. "Good." He places his fingertips against her cheek again and Patricia leans into the touch slightly, closing her eyes. The thought that she might just be as lonely as he is, so starved for an affectionate touch that she'd accept it from a near stranger, makes his chest tighten. Just as most people avoid him until they're in need of medical treatment, he knows that her people skills keep nearly everyone at bay. "You wanna walk around for a bit with me?" Zed asks, scuffing the toes of his boots on the floor. He suddenly feels glad that they won't be rushing into anything tonight, because she deserves more than that. 

They both do.

"Why would I want to do that?" she counters, opening her eyes. God, she's so _beautiful_. He could look at her forever, if she'd let him.

"It's my first time here. Wouldn't want me to get _lost_ , wouldja?" she's just looking at him, a tiny furrow appearing between her eyebrows, and Zed smiles at her so that she'll know he's teasing.

"Oh. No, I suppose not," Patricia says, trying for a smile of her own that makes him want to kiss her again. He lifts his hands instead, palm up, and waits. She looks at them and up at his face before slowly placing her hands in his; Zed curls his fingers around hers and feels a surge of tenderness because her hands are so small. They look at each other for a while, and then Patricia wets her lips with her tongue and pulls her hands away. "It might be best if I returned to Pandora immediately."

Zed's a little disappointed but since their date hadn't been the unmitigated disaster he'd feared it might become, he doesn't have grounds for complaint. "Sure, okay. I'll be back tomorrow night, if you...are interested. In my arrival time. I mean, uh... you want me to walk ya back to the Fast Travel?"

She tilts her head, and a more genuine smile curves her lips. "That will not be necessary, Zed. However, as multiple erections not satisfied by climax can be detrimental to an older man such as yourself, I would advise you to masturbate at your earliest convenience."

Zed can only gape at her as she turns on her heel and walks away from him. He can't believe that she just said all that out _loud_. "Woman, you are somethin' else," he finally says when she's not around to hear it. He glances around self-consciously before walking back around to that weird flower sculpture made out of guns, then sees a set of stairs leading up to the center of town. There's a misspelled sign pointing the way to Nina's, which puts him in mind of how his friend had looked up Patricia's 'history' and _that_ makes Zed think of how she'd taken his joke about the shoes and bandit mask at face value.

Just suppose she goes back and spreads that around as actual _truth_ , a voice in his head whispers. Surely she wouldn't, because he made it clear that he wasn't serious... _hadn't_ he? Zed breaks into a run, hoping that she hasn't left yet, and skids around the corner in time to see Patricia walk out of Springs' Emporium O' Stuff. “Hey, uh – Patricia? Hang on a second.”

She slips something into a pocket of her coat before turning to face him. “I am not comfortable with public displays of affection, Doctor.”

Sure, she's not. “That’s not why I-” Zed frowns and takes another look around to see how many people are close enough to hear their conversation. “Listen. I just wanted t’make sure you ain’t gonna spread anything around about that whole ‘shoes’ thing ‘cause that was just a joke.”

She peers up at him. “Was it?”

“ _Yes_. Don’t go sayin’ anything to anyone. _Ever_ ,” Zed stresses, wishing he’d thought to give Tina a similar warning before he’d left. Then he remembers what he’d told her earlier, about good manners counting for something. “Please.”

“Very well. While I am not in the habit of spreading gossip, I am pleased enough at your performance to grant your silly request,” Patricia says.

Zed has the feeling that he shouldn’t ask what she means, because it’s bound to be something absolutely wild, but at this point he just can’t help it. “What performance?”

Patricia Tannis, bane of his days and tormentor of his nights, blinks those beautiful green eyes at him as if it should be obvious. “I had my doubts concerning your advanced age but after witnessing you attain three separate erections it seems that you, Doctor Blanco, are what is known as a ‘sure thing.’ Please keep my advice in mind concerning masturbation. We will see each other upon your return to Pandora.”

With that, she walks away for a second and final time while Zed is left wondering what just happened. _Unbelievable_. He consoles himself with the thought that no one else had heard what she’s just told him.

“Hello again, Doctor Zed,” Athena says from somewhere behind his left shoulder.

Well, that's just _perfect_.


End file.
